Put Yourself Out There

I hate that phrase. I actually want to smack people (in particularly married people) when they say this in response to my lack of dating activity. However, smacking them would appear as if I’m bitter or jealous. Quite opposite, but I’ll get to that in a second.

When I’m told to “put yourself out there,” my first response is, “what does that mean?” Is there an assumption that I’m sitting at home twiddling my thumbs or waiting for Mr. Right to knock on my front door? I believe God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above what I ask or think, but I also know that I can’t sit within my four walls all day and still expect the future hubby to find me.

I’m always confused at exactly where “there” is. Married people, especially those who were married earlier in life have no idea what it’s like being single over the age of 30 or what it means to be out and available. They think there is some magic thing to do to all of a sudden be discovered and find this magical mate that you have been waiting to meet. You don’t walk around with a sign that says, “single, sexy, I’m available.”

After I get a blank stare, I’m then asked if I have tried online dating. *insert eye roll here*

Of course I have tried online dating. There is an app for every type of online interaction where you stalk on social media and see who your mutual friends are, you swipe some way or another to show interest or you just walk within a few miles of the person and see if you paths cross digitally. Believe it or not, it doesn’t work for everybody. I know several couples who have had success with online dating. I also know thousands of horror stories, mine included.

I signed up for e-Harmony and did a 3 month stint. I truly only lasted about thirty days because the pool in which I was able to choose from was laughable. My number one priority on my profile was he has to love the Lord. I know some people are willing to compromise or find a loop hole with that, but I’m not. Call me old-fashioned or closed-minded but I know what is important to me and faith in Jesus Christ is at the top of my list. I would go into more detail as to why but I’ll never finish the story.

My first online dating match was with a gentleman who reached out and complimented my profile picture. I appreciate when a man can make the first move because I believe that takes confidence and courage. We messaged each other and finally decided to meet in person. I wasn’t exactly blown away by his profile photos but I was trying not to judge a book by it’s cover. Personality and presence can make a world of a difference when meeting someone. Plus, I was trying something new and keeping an open mind.

We met at Starbucks where he pulled out a large wad of cash to pay for my $4 Chai tea latte. He then proceeded to tell me everything that is wrong with Bay Area women, how I’m the youngest woman he has ever showed interest in, how I meet his beauty expectations which is exceptionally good for me since he has high standards and how he really thinks I should be glad that we met. Ahem. He talked about being raised by beautiful sisters and how he is raising his teenage niece while living in his one bedroom apartment. He then went on to say that he is Christian but what does that really mean and he is open to all beliefs and thinks that the world would be a better place if everyone just chilled out a bit. The whole time he talked, I kept looking at his cheeks because it looked like someone had made bite marks all over them or he had a bad case of razor bumps. He smelled of patchouli and wore this shell necklace so tight around his neck that it looked like a choker. He talked for at least an hour while I sat in silence, stunned that this was my life and I was never going to get these minutes back. He stood and said, “well, should we see each other again?” I mumbled some random response about probably not, thanked him for the tea and offered a side one-armed hug. He offered to walk me to my car but I declined and turned on my heels and immediately speed walked back to my car.

Online date #2 was with a gentleman of Russian-decent. In my hopes that I wouldn’t repeat date #1, I tried something new. He gave great answers to all the questions I sent and was very polite and engaging in our messages. Again, his profile did not move me but that’s no biggie. He may not be very photogenic. We met at an italian restaurant where he sat and stared at me with a grimace while watching me eat. I wasn’t sure if he was angry about something, had gas or if I was disgusting him with how I ate my pasta. I think he attempted a smile when I asked if he was enjoying his meal but I’m not sure. He stared. A lot. I kept wiping my face just in case he was staring at some food sticking to my cheek. I even excused myself and went to the bathroom to see if I had food in my teeth because his glare was a bit unnerving. He was not a man of many words and when he did answer, it was clipped and short with a strong accent. I inhaled my pasta (which probably didn’t help the staring) and informed him that I needed to turn in early.

“I’ll walk you to the train station,” he said.

“No thanks. I’ll be fine.”

“Why you  not want to walk me with?”

“Um,” because you’re freaking me out and I’ve had enough of your staring and want to get home, put on sweats and cry,”I walk this way all the time. It’s plenty of people out so I’ll be fine.” We parted ways and later that night, I received a “hope you got home okay” text. I said yes and deleted the entire conversation.

From then on, I was matched with men who looked like they could be my father or had zero attraction level on my end. One gentleman reached out but because I wasn’t available that night, he cut off communication. I even tried to be bold and reach out to a guy first (which I don’t believe it is my role to do) and had a smack to my ego when I didn’t get a response.

I don’t just sit at home. I am active at the gym, hiking groups, grabbing dinner with girlfriends or even by myself. I attend parties, am involved in a book club, I travel and venture to new places on my own. I am putting myself out there, wherever “there” may be.

What most fail to realize is that it’s not about the “there.” I am waiting on God’s best for me. I can’t explain why it has taken longer than I prefer, but I can say that I trust Him. He has never failed me in any area of my life. I have an amazing job, amazing friends (old and new), extremely supportive family members, hobbies, interests, dreams and goals. I am enjoying this season of my life and the bumps and bruises that may come along the way.

Hebrews 11:1 says “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” I am keeping the faith and praying for those of you who are doing the same.