“Have you considered freezing your eggs?” I heard the stool roll across the floor then saw her head tilt to the right so she could talk with me face to face.
Wait a minute. Shouldn’t this be a formal conversation? I mean, my feet are still propped up in stirrups and my privates are out in the open. I’m not necessarily a modest person but can I at least cover myself before we talk about freezing potential children? I swear the wind is blowing and I feel a chill in places I shouldn’t.
“Did you see anything of concern?”
“No concern. I just want you to think about this option if you want to have kids.” I heard the final snap of her latex gloves as she pulled them off. She pressed down on the lever at the bottom of the waist container to pop the top and drop them in.
The crinkle of the paper I was laying on was all you heard as I tried to scoot myself into an upright position with some dignity.
“This is something women your age need to think about.” She began writing something in my chart.
Women my age. Women my age? Since when did being in your late thirties become a “women of your age” qualifier? I feel like I’m still in my prime. Wasn’t I just in college? I have been running and going to the gym on the regular which has made my waist smaller and has me feeling good from the inside out. I eat a mostly vegetarian diet and I consider myself healthy-ish . . . but apparently this is not the case for my eggs. Is this what adulting as a woman is like? Having awkward conversations about your egg volume?
“Well, one thing has to happen before I have kids,” I said standing to signify that I needed her to leave the exam room so I could put my clothes back on.
“You’re not a virgin.” She said without looking at me she wrote notes in my file. Notes that no doubt said my eggs are old and she had to clear out the cobwebs to do an exam.
“I wasn’t referring to that.” Thank you very much. “I’m not having kids without a husband.”
She stopped writing and turned toward me and gave a tight smile. If I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn I saw her roll her eyes as she looked away.
“Well, let me know if you want to pursue this further.” She mind as well have said, “well good luck with that whole husband thing.” She handed me the reminder appointment card that I had to fill out about my upcoming appointment before she turned and walked out of the room.
This was not how I saw this appointment ending. I was feeling proud of my celibacy journey and happy that I can now visit the OB and not have any concerns about what may show up on the tests due to my extracurricular activities. Visiting my OB was strictly for precautionary purposes to ensure I stayed in good health. I was not prepared to have to think about my egg production.
I tried not to let the conversation bother me but there was a reality to her question. I am in my late thirties and if I do want to have children, I need to think about what that may involve at this stage of life. I would prefer to spend some one-on-one time with my future husband before we consider bringing a life into this world but unfortunately, time is of the essence. I’m not sure if I want to have kids but would like to have the option.
I remember sitting in my car after the appointment and feeling a bit discouraged. Living in the Bay Area, it’s a common thing for people to get married a little later in life. It’s also a common thing to hear about women struggling to get pregnant. I know of many success stories but I also know of some that are still waiting. A nagging voice tried to capitalize on my fears and began whispering lies to me.
You’ll never have kids now.
You’re waiting for God to send you a companion and now your eggs are going to waste.
What is all of this for?
Is this really worth it?
The enemy was trying to have a field day in my mind. After one conversation from someone who doesn’t know me or my experience, I thought of every “what if?” and “what about?” that entered my mind.
Before my thoughts could indulge all the lies I heard, I turned to the Comforter who brought the story of Hannah to my attention. Hannah was a woman who was loved by her husband but could not have his kids. 1 Samuel 1:5-6 says, “But to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, although the Lord had closed her womb. And her rival provoked her severely, to make her miserable, because the Lord had closed her womb.”
I read this and thought about how many lies must have been floating in her head. She was dearly loved but yet, she could not produce anything to show this love. This was especially difficult because it was during a time when much of a woman’s worth was tied to her ability to reproduce (apparently, not much has changed). Yet the Lord had closed her womb. Verse 10 states that Hannah was in “bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish.”
I continued reading and learned about how Hannah prayed to God and made a vow to dedicate her child to the Lord if He would grant her the gift of birth.
We’ve all prayed prayers and given empty promises to God in times of trouble, “If you do this, then I will . . .” I believe Hannah’s vow was different because it was meant to fulfill a bigger purpose.
After Hannah prayed, she was blessed by a priest and the Lord remembered her. She soon gave birth to a son, named Samuel. True to her word, she gave Samuel to the work of the Lord and he grew to be a priest who was used in God’s plan to prophesy His truths and anoint the chosen king of Israel, King David. The same king in whose lineage, Jesus Christ was born. Because she honored her word and gave her only son back to the Lord, God blessed her with five more children. She received double for her trouble.
Some of you are struggling with getting or staying pregnant. You’re probably feeling a lot like Hannah and have repeatedly cried out in despair and bitterness. You don’t want to go to another baby shower and fake happiness when you are crumbling inside. You stay away from social media because you don’t want to see another pregnant woman in your feed complaining about how big she’s getting. Or perhaps, you have a close friend who is celebrating the exact thing you are struggling with. You may really be happy for her but at the same time, you want to ask God why your time hasn’t come.
Some of you may be in situations similar to mine. You may not necessarily be entertaining the idea of children because you are waiting on a different promise. Perhaps you are just waiting on God to do something else in your life that could profoundly impact your future. Maybe you’re waiting for the job that would double your salary or wanting your new business to take off and give you financial freedom to pursue your passion.
The Bible says that the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb. This let me know that it was purposeful. He does nothing by accident. Waiting is often a lesson and there are reasons for your seasons.
While you may not understand the tears that have stained your pillow at night or the purpose of the grief you feel as a woman, please know that your situation, like Hanna’s, has purpose. God has a plan for you and your family and what He wants to birth in you is greater than you realize.
He may want your child to be the next President of the United States or perhaps provide the next best tech strategy for the world. Or, the business you are wanting to get off the ground may be the new venture that brings jobs to a brand new generation. Whatever it is, it is a part of His plan and it is special.
I would love to tell you to do just like Hannah did and dedicate your child’s life or your answered promise to the Lord. That’s not as realistic because perhaps your business is meant to work outside of the church walls or your child may not be a minister.
Instead, I’ll ask you to learn from Hannah and what she did while she waited:
- She prayed. Matthew 7:7 says to “ask and keep on asking and it will be given to you; seek and keep on seeking and you will find; knock and keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you.” Hannah traveled every year with her husband to sacrifice to the Lord of Hosts, knowing that she was working with an unanswered pray. Yet, she prayed and prayed some more. I know you may be tired of praying about the same thing but don’t stop. He hears you and He hasn’t forgotten about you.
- She did not focus on the lies of her rival. Hannah could have been the martyr and wallow in pity because of what was said about her and to her. Instead, she came before the Lord in her distress. She behaved with dignity and did not let her mind be consumed with what the enemy had to say. Instead, she was faithful to her husband, his household and most of all, to God. Instead of letting herself be discouraged and belittled, she kept her focus on the One who could change her situation.
- She honored her vow. A vow is a solemn promise to do a specific thing and I imagine that when Hannah made this vow, she did it with pure intentions. She truly wanted God to change her situation. And once her child was born, she completed her motherly duties and gave him back to the Lord. She was so thankful that God had answered her prayer that she showed it in her obedience. In return, God gave her even more children than she asked for.
To those who are waiting for God to birth a seed of purpose- be it children or dreams, be encouraged. What you may not know is that your child is destined for greatness and will play a major role in God’s plan. Your business or your gift may be used to ignite someone else or inspire a new thing that God desires to stir up in the hearts of others. He is an intentional Father.
Keep praying and be a woman or man of your word. Ignore your enemy and keep your eye on Him because He promises to give you double for your trouble.
