It’s a fall evening and a slight chill is in the air. The weather has officially begun to turn cooler. and the sun is setting earlier. Perhaps it’s a Friday or Saturday and you just happened to be chilling at home, minding your own business. You wouldn’t mind sipping on some hot cocoa and curling up on the couch to Netflix and chill.
You receive a text that reads, “Hey stranger.”
You stare at your phone and think one of two things:
- Who’s this?
- What does he want?
About four years ago, I started what I consider to be a best practice in dating: I don’t save a potential suitor’s number in my phone until we’ve been on at least three real dates (which rarely happens). Deleting the number keeps me from doing dumb stuff and communicating unnecessarily when I’m having a “moment.” When these random texts pop up, I have to guess who’s texting me based on the area code, which in turn delays my response.
I’ve also looked at the phone and grinned, or rolled my eyes, before thinking, “what does he want?”
Deep down, I know what they want. And you do too. This, my friend, is the start of “cuffing season.”
Now, for those who may be new to the dating game or married and out of touch with the ins and outs of dating, let me define cuffing season. It’s the time of the year when the weather cools down and it gets dark before 6 p.m., so people start staying indoors and going out less. The need for coupleship (new word?) becomes preferable. Nights spent cuddling become more desirable than nights spent clubbing. The buffoonery of the summer has come to an end and the singleness that was once adored, now feels lonely and inconvenient as the holiday season looms around the corner.
To avoid said loneliness, he (or she) shoots an ex or former boo-thang the “hey stranger” text (or perhaps slides into your DM’s with a wink-faced emoji) to flirtatiously start a conversation. Sometimes, it can be disguised in a “wyd?” or a simple “hey.” This way, it’s still non-committal and doesn’t come off desperate. It’s quite likely that the sender sent more than one of these texts out but has a preference on who they want to respond. Familiarity and comfort fuel the sender and the responder.
It’s inevitable that some of you will receive this text (or have sent that DM). It happens every year. I know it’s hard, but perhaps this is the year that you resist responding. If he (going with the male assumption because I’m a woman and am speaking from experience) did not talk to you all summer or hasn’t checked on your well-being since the last time you saw each other, don’t waste your time now. Resist the temptation!
Otherwise, you are teaching him how to treat you. You are teaching him that you are available for people to walk in and out of your life without any level of accountability as to how they treat you. Would you let an acquaintance ghost on you for months and then all of a sudden text you two words and expect everything to be cool? If we held the people that we date to the same standards as our closest friends, cuffing season would have a much harder time getting started.
And, let me empathize- I know how hard it is to resist responding to the text. Your bed is cold and you could use some hot cocoa and a warm body. But don’t be fooled by convenience.
Before you respond one way or another, ask yourself these questions:
- Then what? – You answer the text, spend some time with that person, perhaps even cuddle or fool around . . . then what? He obviously doesn’t want something long term so what are you expecting to come from this encounter?
- What do you get out of the “situationship”? – Outside of some booty rubs, what is the true benefit? Is this going to lead anywhere? If he was after a relationship or truly building with you, I highly doubt that a “wyd?” text is how he would start the conversation.
- What has changed? — The traits you didn’t like about that person are still alive and well. Was he flakey and a “let me hit you later” turned into six months later? Was she rude to your friends and only wanted to hang out if you took her to her favorite restaurants? Has any of this changed? His/her approach will surely be different if the intentions are.
- What does God say about it? – Not trying to take you to church but now that we’re there . . . before you hit send on whatever your response may be, pray and wait for God to give your wisdom. God is not the author of confusion. If you are confused as to what to do about this sudden communication, don’t respond. Take EVERYTHING to God in prayer. He will not have you doing anything that goes against His word. If responding to that text takes you down the wrong path, ignore it.
I think that if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know that succumbing to the temptations of cuffing season is not a good look. It’s probably more drama than it’s worth. You’re better off going to the gym to work off the frustration or simply blocking that phone number. Plus, you don’t want a real suitor to come along but you’re too busy with a distraction to notice him.
Like most seasons, this too shall pass. I’ll be praying for your strength (and mine) in the Lord!
