It’s February and a lot of people are looking for love.
This also means a lot of people are probably getting ghosted. Ouch, I know.
For those unaware of the conundrum that is ghosting, good ol’ Google defines it as the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
That means no texts, no phone calls, and no more online communication through whatever app you might have met them through.
Every able-bodied single person who is juggling adulting and dating this day in age has been ghosted.
I was ghosted about a year ago. But wait for it . . . by a co-worker.
Eh, I know. Talk about awkward.
Let me back up and give you the rundown of what happened.
First, he reached out to me after we had attended one of the many employee events my company hosts. It was a friendly, “hey, let’s get lunch one-day” type of email. I didn’t think much of it and shrugged in agreement.
I honestly thought he was just wanting to connect further about the topic that was discussed or just network from a fellow-employee point of view. It wasn’t until he suggested that we grab food or drinks away from the office that I realized there may be other intentions.
As we planned where we would go, we never exchanged personal info. All communication was over our work email. We actually didn’t link up for a few weeks because of our personal and work schedules didn’t sync. During that timeframe, we never once saw each other in the building. Yes, we worked for the same company but he worked in a different department, different floor and on a different side of the building. We never crossed paths. Therefore, I figured this was completely harmless.
Dressed in my normal, everyday fashionable style for work, I arrived at the location before he did, found us some seats and proceeded to wait for his arrival. Just as I sat, I checked my phone to see that he sent me an email letting me know he would be a few minutes late.
Fifteen minutes later, he strolled in, bringing a gush of cold wind with him. He wore dark denim skinny jeans and a fitted button-up shirt with casual brown leather shoes. His glasses steamed up slightly as he scanned the room looking for me.
Once he caught my eye, I gave a little wave and a smile.
“I’m so sorry for being late. I got caught on a last-minute call.”
I nodded my head in understanding. He then launched into a complete dissertation on work expectations, managing your schedule and how to keep your head above the water through it all. He would randomly nudge my arm or grab my shoulder for emphasis.
I wasn’t expecting to go this deep, this fast. I was hoping to exchange some pleasantries, chat about the weather, or simply answer the common “how was your day?” question. He was definitely a deep thinker, which I could appreciate. It had been a while since my mind had been properly stimulated by someone I didn’t know.
We talked about the ins and outs of being black in corporate America, how you must have a voice and show up as yourself each day, fitting fitness into your work schedule and much more. The conversation was nonstop. We laughed, we gestured with our hands and he frequently put a hand on my knee to emphasize his point while keeping his leg connected to mine.
We even discussed religion and sex. This was not my intention but since it came up, I shared how I am not sexually active. He wanted to understand my perspective on faith and intimacy so I shared my viewpoint on how sex is more than just a physical act to me and how I believe it impacts women differently than men.
I didn’t jump on a high horse or a soapbox. I confidently provided my point of view and reasoning behind my decision while he inquisitively asked more questions and sprinkled in comments like, “I like that” or “I dig that a lot.”
Per my norm, I always make it very clear that these faith-based choices are mine and if someone is interested, we can chat more.
He shared some personal information around his dating experiences, his beliefs and what he looks for in a woman.
A couple of hours later, we both agreed it was getting late. We bundled ourselves up and headed outside. The conversation continued as we made our way across the street. When we came to the point where we needed to part ways, he pulled out his phone and said, “Let me get your number so we can do this again.”
He handed me the phone and I typed in my name and cell phone number. We exchanged final pleasantries, hugged and parted ways.
I didn’t get the impression that either of us was blown away by the other but there was a mutual sense of curiosity that we wanted to explore.
Or perhaps . . . it wasn’t as mutual as I thought.
I didn’t hear from him all weekend.
I was at least expecting a “check-in” text that night or a simple “how’s your weekend going?” text on Saturday.
Nothing.
The following week, I unexpectedly ran into him at the elevators. We went for years without seeing each other in the same building, then all of sudden . . . we see each other at the elevator? Give me a break.
I waved and attempted to make spirited small talk but Brotha was not having it. His conversation was short (dare I say clipped) and it was obvious he was quite uninterested in engaging with me. His body language looked as if he couldn’t wait to get on the elevator and away from me.
I walked away a bit puzzled. Did I miss something? What changed in a matter of three days? I naturally replayed our interaction and tried to see where it went south and how I might have missed some clues or queues. I figured it was the sex thing but why would he ask for my number if that was such a concern or turn-off. Then, I thought, maybe it was the God thing. My faith is strong and I have no problem sharing it. His comments during that part of the conversation suggested he was curious and wanting to know more. I even wondered if I put my number in his phone incorrectly.
Obviously, I was in denial that the interest had waned in a matter of days.
And that’s when I realized, I was being ghosted. Only thing is, it’s hard to ghost a co-worker.
Even though it’s been almost a year, I have seen this man more this past year than I ever saw him in the past six years that we worked for the same company.
Walking into the cafe, I would see him in a meeting.
Chatting with co-workers in the hallway, I would see him in a neighboring cubicle area with others.
At certain company events, he would be seated somewhere in my vicinity.
We have even had meetings together for different initiatives within the company.
Whenever we see one another face-to-face, we exchange simple pleasantries. I really want to ask, “What gives?!” but that’s my ego talking.
The beauty and curse of ghosting are that you don’t get answers, insight or revelation around why it occurred. Your personal thoughts, assumptions, and playbacks are all you get.
But ultimately, you have to realize that everything happens for a reason. Apparently, you and that person are not meant to connect any further. You could have dodged a bullet or prevented an unnecessary pregnancy. Who knows! He and I were obviously not meant to be a thing.
I share this because it happens to everyone, just in different forms. Shake the dust off your shoulders and get back out there. The one who is meant for you will make it known and ensure your interest is reciprocated. Happy dating!
