Preparation, Not Punishment

I sat at a round table covered with a lavender tablecloth and decorated with a simple flower centerpiece. Six other women sat with me and we were preparing to share our prayer requests.

Spring was in full bloom so the days were longer and the weather warmer. For the past four weeks, we met every Tuesday evening for a six-week Bible study series. We came from all over the East Bay to hear Priscilla Shirer teach about the grace of God. We were all from various walks of life but as we gathered, prayed and worshipped together each week, we developed a trusting bond with one another.

The woman to my right was a retired nurse who was struggling with devastating news concerning her daughter’s health. She wore small glasses on the tip of her nose and her hair was always tied back into a ponytail. To her left sat a woman who was newer to the Christian walk and dealing with a husband who ridiculed her new-found faith. She often peppered her comments with an awkward laugh or a self-deprecating joke.

Across the table, there was a young woman who had recently had a baby and returned to work as a registered nurse working a night shift. She would always yawn through the Bible study but offer insightful commentary when it was her turn to share. She recently reconciled with her birth mother but was second-guessing the decision due to the turmoil that has accompanied the rocky relationship.

To my right sat a friend of mine who was leading the discussion. A natural introvert and skeptic, leading the table discussion was taking her outside of her comfort zone. She was divorced as well and finding out how to navigate life as a single mom, corporate professional and born-again Christian with a rebellious streak. Next to her sat a soft-spoken elderly woman who always made profound comments that left us nodding and thinking. She had recently been remarried after meeting her now-husband on a Christian dating site. To her right was the life of the party. A middle-aged woman who always made us laugh or cringe, depending on the topic. She wore her hair in a blonde, pageboy cut and dressed in long, flowy tunics with turquoise jewelry.

On this particular week, I was having a bit of a pity party. Work was uneventful and left me in a bit of a funk. I found myself feeling weary about my single season, again. I had been living in the Bay for over three years at this point and was becoming impatient with the timeline associated with my future nuptials. I found myself asking the “when God, when?” or “why God, why?” questions on a regular basis. I felt like I was still going around the same mountain and was sick of the view.

As I listened to each woman share their prayer requests for reconciled families, healing, restoration and peace, I found myself growing wearier and wearier. When it was my time to share, I couldn’t bring myself to say something as simple as “patience while I wait for my husband.” That seemed so minuscule compared to the issues the other women were facing. Plus, deep down- I wasn’t feeling worthy of an answered prayer in this department.

Like most people, I had a past. I had knowingly made bad decisions and disobeyed God’s instructions in my life. Therefore, I considered this season to be my time to reap the negative seed I had sewn. I didn’t feel worthy of the gift I prayed for. Although I never verbalized my thoughts, I felt like I was being punished for the wrong I had done. Punished for being disobedient. Punished for not having enough strength. Punished for still fighting my single season.

I sat there with my eyes downcast and wringing my hands, tears burning down my cheeks. Each fallen tear was representative of the shame and guilt I felt for my past actions. I mumbled something about needing prayer because I felt discouraged. Some of the women shared their sentiments while others offered a rub on my back or a squeeze on my arm.

My girlfriend had to leave the table early before I finished sharing, but later that night, she sent me a text that read:

God told me to tell you,

I’M NOT PUNISHING YOU, I’M PREPARING YOU.

I felt my heart leap. Did she know what I was struggling with? What a revelation! Reading those words lifted a weight off my shoulders and filled my heart with gladness. God knew I was struggling with condemnation but took the time to remind me of His grace. He knew exactly what I needed to hear and when I needed to hear it.

Reading that text was a reminder of His promise: He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

Deep down, I was living with the thought that I deserved the loneliness and yearning that frequented my mind. I was content in thinking that I was paying for my sin. But in His mighty sovereignty and love, God reminded me, ever so gently, that Jesus already paid it all. He paid for every wrong in my past (and my future) when He died on that cross and rose from the grave. When I asked for forgiveness, He separated my sin from me as far as the east is from the west. I am redeemed and I no longer have to live in condemnation.

Are you dealing with feelings of guilt or shame? Don’t let the enemy condemn you for something God had already redeemed you of. Don’t spend another second of your current season questioning God or living without hope. Believe His word. You are His masterpiece. He is too good of a Father to punish your repentant heart. Instead, He wants you to walk in His grace and mercy.

How silly is it to think that God is not capable of giving you beauty for ashes? That’s His specialty! God doesn’t need our help. He just wants your earnest, faith-filled heart and absolute trust in Him. Let Him take it from there.