Dating presents more conundrums than I think I was mentally prepared for. Top of mind is splitting the bill when out on a date. What are the rules? What’s the protocol? Is “going-dutch” still a thing?
I get a different response from every woman or man I speak with. I’ve noticed a large spectrum based on age, region and even cultural background. There are so many factors to take into consideration.
Before I get into my personal opinion, I want to share a situation I experienced.
I met a guy during a friend’s Playoff party. It was a relaxed night full of games, good food and tons of laughs. The Warriors were playing and as Bay Area residents, we were excited to act like die-hard fans and rally behind the future champions. My girlfriend had invited friends from her different avenues of life and we were all enjoying getting to know one another.
I’m pretty good at noticing when a guy is interested. This guy, let’s call him Darrell, definitely made it obvious that he liked what he saw. He did the double-take, made a point to speak directly to me and did a lot of smiling and staring. He wasn’t exactly a delight to my eyes but in the effort to not judge a book by its cover, I was trying to remain open. We struck up a conversation and had some laughs, so it wasn’t an extreme stretch to exchange info. Darrell was in the process of building a side business while working a 9-5, so I immediately admired his hustle and grit. He was passionate about youth and family while also being a fellow writer. This book was looking more and more interesting as the evening progressed.
We used writing as our excuse to connect outside of the gathering. He was interested while I was curious. Our ruse was “writers need accountability partners” which translates into let’s get to know one another and see if we are compatible.
We ended up texting later that evening and made plans to get together to discuss our projects and tips for writing. I let him choose the location and he ended up choosing one of Oakland’s most popular hangout spots. I had never been there before and realized upon arrival that this was not the spot where you could any writing done. The weather was gorgeous which means everybody and their mama was out, enjoying the sunshine and patio cocktails. There was another game on, so the crowd was rowdy and there was an electric vibe in the air.
I arrived first and found a spot in a corner where I had a good view of the door and everyone else in the spot. I had on distressed jeans, a bright colored-sweater that hung off my shoulder and a cute scarf accessory in my hair. Darrell arrived shortly after and I was pleasantly surprised.
He was dressed in a slim-fit blue suit with a crisp, white button-up shirt casually opened at the collar. He wore tan lace-up oxfords and a matching belt. He looked like he had a fresh shave and line on his haircut. He wore aviator glasses that added a coolness to his demeanor that I was not expecting. This was in stark contrast to his t-shirt, jeans and raggedy haircut from a few nights prior.
We hugged and exchanged compliments on one another’s style. We both liked how the other cleaned up after a causal night of watching basketball. I was thinking about how I was glad I hadn’t judged this book by its cover and this “writer’s meet-up,” where no writing was actually going to take place, was off to a good start. Along with pizza and French fries, I smelled potential.
We laughed about how the spot was jumping and perhaps this wasn’t the best location to meet for writing. He was coming from church, so I asked him a bit more about his church and his faith. He then asked me about my work and cut right to the chase and asked about my dating life. Once it was established that we were both single and open to relationships, we took the conversation a layer deeper. He discussed what he was looking for and what has gone wrong in his previous relationships. He was a few years younger than me but preferred maturity and stability in his mate (i.e. he liked older women). I reciprocated by sharing what characteristics I desire in my mate and my expectations around a relationship. I discussed the bumpiness of dating in the Bay, how I don’t enjoy playing games and the importance of honesty and openness.
There were a lot of nods and smiles exchanged.
He asked probing questions about deal breakers and I shared that someone who indulges in drugs was a deal breaker for me. He then asked, “do you consider weed a drug?”
I immediately recalled his squinty eyes and glazed look from the night we met. Then looking at his lips, I noticed they were a bit darker than your average black man and quickly connected the dots.
I answered honestly, “For me, weed is a drug and I prefer my mate not to partake regularly.” He shrugged his shoulders and continued asking me questions. We then shifted the conversation to career growth. I learned that his side business sounded very similar to a pyramid scheme but in an effort not to offend him, I kept my opinion to myself.
His phone kept going off and he took the call a couple of times without offering an apology or an“excuse me” when interrupting our conversation.
In the middle of his last interruption, the waiter placed our bill on the table.
When Darrell hung up, he grabs the bill and says, “so how do you want to do this?
“How do you want to do this?” was my response as I raised my eyebrows and leaned back.
He turned away from me and started digging in his backpack before he said, “we can split it.”
As I was saying in the beginning, I wanted to fully paint the picture of this situation before offering my opinion. Now that you have that, I think any man who hangs out with a woman with the intention of getting to know her for possible romantic interests should either a.) cover the bill, b.) take her to coffee if he is concerned with spending money for a date or c.) make it clear up front by asking for separate checks, so it’s obvious what this is.
For clarity, this is coming from a woman who is used to a man – potential love interest or not – covering the bill. I’ve been out with completely platonic male acquaintances who cover the bill and never think twice about it. It has always been a display of chivalry and masculinity, both traits I appreciate. To this day, my best friend’s father still foots the bill when we’re out even though we’re grown adults with homes and careers. It’s just something that has always been demonstrated in my life, so I expect the same in the early stage of dating.
Note: I am calling out the early stages because as you get to know one another, bill splitting isn’t really a question. It’s more about the time being spent together once there has been a sense of trust and credibility established.
I know some of you are cringing, calling me a gold-digger, old-fashioned or perhaps justifying that man’s actions. To each his own. I remember telling my mom about the encounter and as soon as I got to the bill portion, she immediately said, “Oh, he’s really done.” This apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Are you down to split the bill? Leave a comment below with your opinion!
