Not Yet

It was 2012. I had just moved to the Bay Area from Los Angeles to start a new chapter in my life. I was sitting in the front room of my new apartment and just finished a phone call that left me feeling a bit frustrated and discouraged. Little did I know, that one phone call was the start of the tests and trials that come with dating as a Christian woman.

Let me start from the beginning . . .

I was out with a new friend at one of Oakland’s top spots for mingling and meeting new people. I remember walking in and being pleasantly surprised at all the different colors of melanin that decorated the restaurant’s interior. You had tall, short, stocky and cocky and several of them were trying to catch my eye.

It was one of those nights where my confidence and self-esteemed were boosted because while one guy was trying to start a conversation, another was trying to send you a drink. Being new to the area and moving from a relationship that had left my heart bruised, I needed a bit of a pick me up.

One particular guy stood out, mainly for his presence and charismatic personality. He intercepted me on the way back from the bathroom with a bright smile, a head full of curly hair and a confidence about him that was immediately attractive. He wore dark-rimmed glasses and a simple button-up shirt untucked with his jeans and sneakers.

“I’ve been waiting in line all night to talk with you,” he teased.

“Lucky you,” I flashed my best flirtatious smile, “now’s your time.”

“Oh-ho-ho, she’s beautiful and she’s cocky,” he laughed.

“No, I’m just teasing,” I lied. (I was cocky.)

He told me his name and asked if I wanted a drink. When I informed him I wasn’t drinking, he feigned shock then asked me why.

“That’s an odd question,” I replied. “I just saved you some money and you’re now asking me why?”

We went back and forth with this banter for a few more minutes, both recognizing how easy it was to talk to one another- something I had been craving since moving into a new city and not knowing many people outside of my still-small social circle.

There’s an awkwardness to befriending people as an adult. I desired authenticity and the space to be myself. He seemed to enjoy my wit and could toss the ball right back. We exchanged numbers and he emphasized that while he would send a text to ensure I had his number; he was more of a phone guy and would give me a call promptly that week.

True to his word, he texted me a few days later asking about an available time to chat and called at the designated time.

He was a few years older than me and wanted me to know that upfront. He also wanted me to know that he was really interested in getting to know me better and believed in being transparent without playing games.

Check and check!

We got past our pleasantries and he told me about his three-month-old son. He got caught up (his words, not mine) with his now baby-momma but realized he didn’t want a relationship with her long term. She had just moved to Las Vegas and he was trying to figure out how he was going to be present in his son’s life. He was an aspiring musician and lover of the arts.

He asked me what I like to do and being new to the area, my life consisted of work, gym, eating and going to church.

He guffawed before stating, “I had a degree in Church until I opened my eyes and realized that I was being deceived.” He then went on to explain how he was raised in church, fed the lies of Christianity and watched hypocrites deceive the rest of the world. He went to an Apostolic church and was raised to believe in Jesus. But after reading and acquiring “knowledge,” he now knew the truth.

I tried to politely end the conversation without giving any definitive reason other than, I think we didn’t see eye-to-eye on a few things. He had no idea that since moving to the Bay, I had been more determined about living my faith and following the word of the Lord. Prior to moving, I often straddled the fence and lived in this gray area of believing but not wanting to give up my worldly pleasures. After moving and attending a church focused on holy-living, I purposed in my heart to do things God’s way. One particular goal was to not date someone who did not believe that Jesus Christ was who He said He was. I was beginning to know Jesus personally and knew that my faith was a condition I was not willing to compromise on.

However, homeboy wasn’t going out easily.

“What? You won’t be unequally yoked with a non-believer?” He asked in a mocking tone. “You’re believing that whole story.” I felt like I could hear his eyes rolling in his head.

I tried to explain that it wasn’t just about the Bible verse where Paul warned against being unequally yoked. I did my best to convey how I strived to have the type of relationship where my spouse and I could pray with and for one another, worship together and connect spiritually. I didn’t want anyone that would want to turn me away from Christ.

“I’ll go to church with you,” he reasoned. “I’ll even pray with you. I’m just saying that I don’t believe the same thing.” He then went on to talk more about how his knowledge had expanded and he realized that Jesus is not who I think He is. He ridiculed me and called my perspective close-minded and archaic.

The more he talked, the more I wanted to get off the phone.

When he finally tired of hearing himself speak, he asked, “Are you really willing to throw away this away and not even see where this could go, all because of what you believe? I know you feel the chemistry here. It was undeniable the night we met. That’s why I was so drawn to you.”

“It’s not just that.” I really didn’t want to waste more time explaining. At this point, we had been on the phone for over an hour and I was spent.

“What? It’s my son, isn’t it? I knew you would have an issue because you got real quiet as soon as I mentioned that situation.”

He had no clue. My silence was actually driven from my eyes being opened and everything quickly adding up: the aspiring artist role (been there, done that) + the high probability for baby-momma-drama with a newborn son (seen the movie and read the story) + the self-righteous pride about his own opinion (was living it as he continued to talk) = future disaster. The disjointed faith was the square of the equation.

Unwilling to feed into his antics and reasonings, I provided him with a simple, “this just wouldn’t work. Take care,” and hung up the phone.

I sat there a bit befuddled. Things went south so quickly. As inexperienced as I was in dating, I really didn’t know what to think. Discouragement and defeat began to creep in. My hopes of finding a new boo and him being of the same faith seemed distant or unrealistic. I was already feeling vulnerable and exposed but now also felt doubtful and discouraged.

That’s when He said it.

“Not yet.”

It was so clear and distinct, I looked around the room to see if my TV was on or where the voice could have come from. I quickly realized that God had spoken into my spirit. There was no denying it.

That was seven years ago.

I’ve had many failed dates, a lot of which I’ve discussed on this blog, and I still hold on to those words today. Those words have been hope in lonely times when I’ve wondered if I’ve been forgotten. Hope when the outlook of this world looks bleak. Hope when I repeated the same cycles that left me broken and confused.

He has spoken a lot of things over my life and a lot of those things have come to pass. Therefore, I know that this too will be a promise-fulfilled. God’s hope does not lead to disappointment.

“Not yet” is better than no. He has distinctly told me and guided me to a “No” on other things. I believe his “not yet” was because He wants to show me who He is in my life. He has proven to be my everything and while I am still single, I am not alone.

If you are struggling in whatever season you are in, but you know that there is a “not yet” out there for you, let me encourage you in prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for being the all-knowing God of our salvation. Lord, in our times of waiting, we ask that you strengthen us with the hope you gave Abraham. Unwavering in his faith, he believed that you would give him a son through Sarah and his descendants would outnumber the stars in the sky. I pray that those reading this are renewed with that same faith. Allow them to see that you have amazing things in store, and they can rest in your Word because He who promised is faithful. Guide us and direct us in your way as we wait. Amen.

Head over to my YouTube Channel, Conversations with Carrie, to hear some encouragement around living “Single & Saved!”