Kissing Leads to Sex

I grew up in an ol’ school Black church.

There were church mothers with peppermints in their purses, men with shiny shoes and cufflinks, and morning services that lasted way too long.

Outside of church, women wore the obligatory blue jean skirt down to their ankles and paired it with simple, flat white tennis shoes and a basic t-shirt. These outfits were the plainest, most boring representations of fashion you could find . . . yet somehow, they were equated to holiness.

As a grown woman who loves Jesus but also knows the appeal of a stylish heel paired with the perfect dress, I have to laugh at what standards were placed before us. Looking back at some of the men and women in the church, it was obvious some of these standards were not being upheld Monday – Saturday. Somebody was creeping on Monday and clubbing on Saturday. I know I was guilty of the latter more than once. I would somehow make my way into the house of the Lordt smelling like last night’s Bacardi.

Through the lives of my parents, my siblings and I witnessed what holiness looked like every day of the week. We still wore our pants and earrings, listened to some secular music (mostly Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Whitney Houston) and danced when the time felt right.

But the ol’ school Black church was still in them and in us. We often joke around with our parents because the strict standard of holiness somehow made its way into different situations in our family. We had to turn down the volume when the Smurfs were creating a new potion because that was “devil talk.” We also had to mute the television when the Thundercats went into action because that “Thundercats, Thundercats, hooooo!” line was clearly summoning a spirit- one that wasn’t allowed in our house.

The best was when anything sexy came on the screen. My mother would literally stand in front of the TV and cover it with her house dress (don’t act like your momma didn’t wear one too) or she would tell me, as the youngest, to cover my eyes. I think it’s important to note that remotes weren’t really a thing in the eighties (your children = the remote). If she was trying to prevent us from seeing the wrong thing, she did what she had to do.

That brings us to the sex talk. Yep, the birds and the bees talk was the perfect representation of upholding holiness and resembled the flavorless outfits that church women wore on casual days.

As you prepare for your Valentine’s Day weekend, I’m sharing some of the hilarious but true gems from my momma, Gloria T, that will keep you on the straight and narrow path to righteousness:

• Kissing leads to sex: I remember my mother sitting me down and addressing what was taught that day in school about the human reproductive system, even though I was already well-versed on what was covered in sex-ed class. I recall asking my mother about kissing and her response was very clear and final, “Kissing leads to sex.” That was the end of the conversation. But think about it . . . where’s the lie? What’s the first thing you do when you’re trying to get it popping? While I’m not apart of the “no kissing until you get married” ministry, I do agree that kissing does lead to sex. If you are trying to abstain, put boundaries in place to keep that kiss from turning into more than you planned.
• Ain’t nobody doing it all night: this literally got an audible laugh out of me. I remember riding in the car with my mother and one of the many 90’s R&B songs came on the radio with a guy singing about how he was going to “do you all night long.” My mother scoffed and turned off the music while saying, “ain’t nobody doing it all night.” At the time, I thought that was a rude thing to say about one of my favorite singers. But as full-blown adults with jobs, bills to pay, and kids to raise, who has the time or the stamina? Be careful not to set unrealistic expectations with your lover this weekend.
• You have sex, you get pregnant: unfortunately, fear of pregnancy became the biggest reason to abstain from having sex when I was growing up in church. Looking back, I wish we would have talked about STDs, emotional ties and a slew of bad decisions that come with sex, not just an unwanted pregnancy. Plus, those who desire kids know that sex does not always equate to pregnancy. However, I think this needs to be a reminder to those who are having unprotected sex. If you’re not trying to have kids, what are you doing? Whenever I hear grown folks say things like, “I don’t know how this happened,” I often give them a look of bewilderment. Um, if you’re having sex, you could get pregnant. If you’re not trying to be fruitful and multiply, either abstain or take the necessary steps for prevention.

I could probably go on and on with gems from Gloria T, but I‘m going to keep it PG. Just remember that Valentine’s Day is still another day. Whether single, dating, married or confused- you can make the best decisions for your life that will ensure nothing happens that you don’t want to happen. Heed her advice, have some laughs and make it a good one!