Being a woman is hard.
There are so many sides to our lives and so many layers to our stories.
From the mother of three to the single woman; to the career professional to the stay at home mom; to the entrepreneur to the activist- and to all the overlapping in between. They are all paving the way for the next generation to be as great if not greater than those who came before them. It’s a common thread we all share whether you’re a mom, mentor, prayer warrior or friend. We all see a reflection of one another in one way or the other.
I was visiting a friend who I have known for twenty years. She is more like a sister and a constant source of home and connectivity. We’ve seen each other through college educations, post-club hangovers, boyfriends, heartaches, shady friendships, and cross-country moves. She is now a mother of two boys and working as a medical professional. We were sitting at brunch recently and I sat in amazement at how our lives have drastically changed. Instead of a boozy brunch followed by questionable decisions, she sat being pulled in two opposite directions, neither of which was towards the mimosa she actually came for. Her youngest son had an infection which made it uncomfortable for him to swallow. The eldest simply wanted to be close to her and occupy her attention. I sat across from her wide-eyed as her right arm extended towards the youngest in the high-chair and her left arm was being used as a human pillow by the oldest. She had this longing look of love for each of them that was laced with complete exhaustion.
I was exhausted and filled with angst by just watching the scenario. Her life was no longer her own. Her love was constantly being distributed and immediately consumed between two miniature humans . . . and she wouldn’t have it any other way.
Her story is so similar to plenty of other women we see and know intimately. While the circumstances and details may vary, the consensus may be the same. Women are making difficult decisions and being pulled in multiple directions. But she’s not alone.
Think about your single friend. She is trying to drive career growth, make smart financial decisions and possibly look into freezing her eggs because let’s face it- dating in 2020 is for the birds. When you catch up with her, care about more than who she has started dating. Ask her about how she is handling that difficult co-worker, her financial stability, and how her family is doing before jumping into the one subject she probably does not want to talk about. Has she read a new book recently, traveled to a new place or found any interesting, new podcasts? Her life is more than her online dating profile or her past boyfriend and his new girlfriend. Also, just because she may not have the exhausting life of a mom, her life still has a lot of moving parts. She is trying to build a future and move forward on her own while learning to navigate adult friendships (which we know can be a challenge all their own) and understand what it means to be independent when quite frankly, she could use some help. Her day-to-day is still exhausting and she too is trying to overcome the unconscious biases that greet her when she walks into a room.
Each of us knows women who are single, married, mothers or caretakers of others. Think about that co-worker who always seems a bit frazzled, the passenger seated next to you who keeps nodding off to sleep, the woman at church who sobs through each worship song or the woman waiting in line at the grocery store with several bottles of wine mixed in with the goldfish and frosted flakes. Each is working to achieve some sort of goal, helping put food on the table or learning what it means to be a grown-up without crumbling underneath societal pressure. While doing so, she is second-guessed because of her gender or race (in most cases both), being frowned upon due to her choices in how she manages her household or being judged about her personal life decisions.
If she leaves early from work, she’s not working hard enough. If she stays late, she must not be a good mother or wife because she doesn’t spend enough time at home. If she is not impeccably dressed, she needs to work on her professionalism. If she is always dressed well, she must be selfish or not spending her money wisely. The assumptions continue. The worst thing is most of these assumptions often come from fellow women. Women who are supposed to be our sisters and confidantes but may have come to some false conclusion based on a glimpse of a life that was shared through pictures on a social media platform.
We must do better.
Women’s lives are complex, challenging, rewarding, and unique. I have so many women to celebrate in my life and know you do too. This month and moving forward, make the effort to tell that woman, “Sis, I see you” and be quicker to empathize than you are to judge. I challenge you to recognize their greatness and relate to the extraordinary in your own.
