The Love Lists

It was 2016 and I was at a friend’s house for dinner on Resurrection Sunday when one of the more mature women amongst us struck up a conversation about dating and relationships. We were standing around in the kitchen, eager to eat and indulge in some of our holiday favorites ( my mind was focused on the peach cobbler because, well- it’s peach cobbler!) and making small talk. She was an expressive woman who had her hair done, make-up flawless, and nails on point. She was direct, assertive, and charismatic which made me enjoy her every time we crossed paths. She started the conversation by asking about our dating lives.

The “single as a pringle” version of me found myself slightly annoyed (I’m sure I even inserted an eye roll or two) yet intrigued. I was annoyed because discussing relationships or in my case, the lack thereof, was not at the top of my list of favorite conversation starters at a holiday dinner. Honestly, I was growing a bit weary of this single life, especially around the holidays. Holiday gatherings always served as a reminder to me that I was alone. My family was thousands of miles away and while I had great friends in the area, I yearned to start my own traditions with a special someone. My other girlfriend had literally just met a guy and my other friend was a newlywed. I was the only one who had not met anyone recently and hadn’t even seen someone I could be remotely attracted to.

Despite the subject matter, I was still intrigued by what she was going to say. I am always down to glean from those who came before me. While I couldn’t apply what I would learn to a current relationship, I had no doubt that I could apply the knowledge to a future one.

And that’s when she talked about the lists (and I rolled my eyes even harder).

Now, some of us who have grown up in church or been involved in some type of young adult or singles ministry have heard conflicting views about creating lists when it comes to relationship goals. We’ve heard, “create a list so you know what you want.” Or, “create a list so God knows what you want.” Alternatively, we’ve also heard, “creating lists limits God and what He can do for you.” Recently, Pastor Mike Todd from Transformation Church even spoke about ripping up your lists.

I was of the mindset that lists were silly and God already knew what I wanted. However, I was willing to hear her out. Turns out- what she shared was actually a great blessing, so I want to pass it on to you.

She instructed us that there are three lists you can create when thinking about your relationship desires:

1. What you want.
2. Deal breakers
3. God’s Will

What You Want

Before I share what this list is, I want to share what it is not. This is not your fairy-tale wish list. This is not the culmination of every romantic comedy you’ve ever seen, every princess story you’ve ever heard or every #relationshipgoals social media post you’ve ever liked.

This list should be full of realistic traits and attributes that you desire in your partner based on your character and personal level of maturity. It is a realistic view of what type of partner you would work best with based on who you are currently, who you want to be, and where you have come from.

If you are not good at managing money, you probably should not request to have someone who’s a millionaire. Instead, you might put “someone who knows how to make smart financial decisions.” If you aren’t interested in physical fitness or healthy eating, you probably shouldn’t request someone with rock-hard abs because most likely, that person works out and eats well in order to maintain that physique and will probably want you to do the same. Instead, you might put “someone I am physically attracted to.” If you have a ratchet past that rubs some the wrong way, you may want “someone who is not squeaky clean but knows the value of redemption.”

Number one on my list was someone who loved Jesus with a sincere heart and had his own personal relationship with Christ. I knew that I wouldn’t do well with someone who wasn’t pursuing Christ on his own. Church and ministry are a part of my life and a lot of the decisions I make are based on my relationship with Christ. I didn’t want to have to explain or defend that to anyone because of our difference in beliefs. I also have a “colorful” past and need someone who is past that stage and won’t influence me to bring those behaviors back into my life.

Deal Breakers

These are the items that you absolutely, positively, without a doubt will NOT tolerate within a relationship. These are the traits or circumstances that you are not willing to negotiate on or compromise with when it comes to your relationship.

I think this was the easiest list to create. However, you have to be willing to have some real, raw conversations with yourself and ask yourself what really matters in the grand scheme of things. If you have struggled with substance abuse, your deal-breaker may be someone who recreationally enjoys drugs of any kind. Or if you know that you are very driven professionally and value a strong work ethic, your deal-breaker may be someone who doesn’t have a job or doesn’t know how to keep a job (technically- this should be everyone’s deal-breaker!). While it may seem shallow to some, it’s important to you and how you live your life.

One of my deal breakers was I was walking away from a man if he had chronically negative or hostile relationships with women in his family. I believe that if a man doesn’t treat his mother or his sisters well, there is a high probability he will not treat you well. I didn’t want to waste time proving otherwise if the signs were there.

God’s Will

This list trumps the other two because it’s the only one that matters. And it’s blank.

Yep, not a word on it.

You leave this blank because above all, you should desire God’s will for your relationship and your life. If given a choice, you should want the One who knows you better than you know yourself to write your love story. You want Him to bring the husband or wife that will be what you want and what you need.  You want the God of the universe to tell you what you should look for in your future spouse. Yes, you can have your guidance over what you want and what you don’t want in your previous lists but what should matter and what should be your heart’s desire is what He wants for you.

Ultimately, as Pastor Mike preached, you will rip up your other lists because God’s will is what matters most. If you truly trust God to do exceedingly and abundantly above all you could ever want or imagine, you don’t need the other lists.

In 2016, I presented this blank list to God and wrote at the top, “Father- you know what I need, what I like and what I want. Your will be done.” I stuck it in my study Bible and left it at that.

On July 27, 2019, God spoke to me clearly and said, “let Me tell you about the characteristics of the man I have for you.” I grabbed my blank list and wrote down all the traits he told me my future husband would have.

It is now May 2020 and God is faithful! I am in a relationship with a beautiful, Godly man who possesses every one of the characteristics God outlined for me. He is sincere, genuine, and incredibly special. He even has the majority of traits from my “what you want” list. There are even a few that I did not write down and God, being the good Father that He is, still fulfilled them.

For example, I love a man with tattoos. In my mind, that seemed somewhat trivial compared to all the other things I desired. I figured, as long as he loved Jesus and I found him attractive, that would be good enough. Can I tell you how my boo has some of the best tattoo art I’ve ever seen? He’s also an avid reader and we can go from discussing books to Marvel heroes to scriptures in the Bible. Heart be still. God came through ya’ll!

But does that mean everything is perfect just because he’s everything God said he would be? Nope. I am now in a long-distance relationship which was on my deal breakers list. I didn’t want to figure out love across states yet lo and behold, I am figuring out love across the seas (my beau is a Sailor and deployed at this time). Instead of making decisions based on my lists, I let God guide me because I want His will more than my own. I trust that whatever He is doing between the two of us is purposeful and bigger than what I could ever know. I’ve released my expectations from my list and am following God’s lead as we embark on this new time in our lives.

There are all kinds of lists we consciously and unconsciously make about our lives. Be it concerning a relationship, your professional ambitions, your life dreams, or even your daily tasks. We tend to let our desires and plans override God’s masterplan. I encourage you to create that blank list for God’s will in your life concerning whatever it is you are asking Him for. He knows what best for you. And because He loves you so much, He’ll give you desires that should be in your heart that align with His will for your life. Therefore, when His will comes to fruition, you’ll know it was Him all along.