Single in a Pandemic

I’m going to say it.

I’m going to say the one thing that confident, independent, ambitious single women are never supposed to say, especially in the new year.

I’M TIRED OF BEING SINGLE.

I know. I kind of cringe even writing it. But it’s the truth.

Another truth is I’ve revised this essay several times because at first, I was a bit too raw. Then, I felt like I was playing it too safe. You are now reading logic and emotion coupled together to share a vulnerable truth that will probably cause you to smile, maybe make you cringe because it hit too close to home, or simply nod because you or someone you know can relate.

I’ll say it again. I’m over this single life, especially during a pandemic.

A sista is grown and ready for that next chapter of her life. Yes, I’m supposed to be empowered and content with doing life as a party of one. Appreciating the family, friends and acquaintances that fill up my life while taking full advantage of the fact that I can sleep diagonally across my own bed. I get it.

The thing is, I am content but I’m also ready to share my bed. I’m ready to learn what love looks like. I’m ready to experience companionship during a time in my life when it matters most.

Being single in a pandemic has not been easy. Prior to spending the holidays in Texas with my parents, it was just me. Me, myself, and I living in my house alone, surrounded by my blessings while FT’ing and Zooming the mess out of my loved ones. It was a different kind of lonely.

Don’t get me wrong. Yes, I know that I have SO much to be grateful for and I have a big heart of gratitude. I am thankful for life and health. I am thankful for the strong circle of women I have praying for me and rooting for me to win. I am thankful for two parents who are alive and healthy and find joy in my presence. I am thankful that I enjoy my own company, think I am hilarious and can entertain myself like nobody’s business. I am thankful that my COVID pounds have accumulated in all the right areas. I understand that these are blessings that not everyone can claim. Please don’t mistake this for any level of ungratefulness.

Single in a pandemic just hits different.

I should probably share that I started 2020 by falling in romance. Love came later. In December of 2019, I met a great guy and things seemed to just fall into place seamlessly. He loved the Lord, came from a good family, embodied the characteristics that I value in a mate and we were both riding cloud nine.

Then in true 2020 fashion, things unraveled. One month we were exchanging heartfelt words and another, we weren’t exchanging any words at all. Something shifted and it was too difficult to get it back. To this day, I can’t exactly tell you what happened. As the world was seemingly falling apart, the relationship did too.

While the split was not ideal, starting the year in a relationship introduced me to what I was missing in my single life- a true romantic connection with someone. I have spent a large part of my adult life dating but not truly connecting. A romantic connection is not something that comes easily for me. Maybe it’s the part of me that moonlights as an introvert, but I learned in my twenties that I can’t just randomly date because my mind and personality don’t operate like that. Believe me, I’ve tried. I am an amazing first or second date. I’m engaging, fun, interesting and I ask good questions. (My extroverted side kicks butt.) But if there is no spark and my interest in them is not sincere, rarely do we make it to a third. Interest wanes then text and calls start going unanswered.

Therefore, I have been doing this single life for some time. So long that most of the people who met the adult version of me, have only known me as a single woman. And with that is an assumption that I prefer this single life.

That assumption has been placed on many of my single cohorts as well. And God forbid you don’t desire kids. Then the assumptions really fly!

I would like to give voice to those who are single during a pandemic. I think it’s time that someone explained that it’s not that we prefer the single life all the time . . . being single in a pandemic doesn’t exactly present tons of options. Consider the following:

• Meeting someone is literally a life or death situation. Normally, life or death is reserved for unprotected sex. Not anymore! You’re at risk just by shaking a hand or offering a hug. I can’t afford to get sick. If I don’t work, I don’t eat.
• Attraction is necessary but how do you even figure out what they look like? Have you ever tried to flirt with someone with a mask covering up half your face? Beautiful eyes can be deceiving. What if he has a tooth that hangs down to his chin? What if she has a goatee under her mask? What if he has an unrelenting herpes sore on his lips? What if her breath smells like she hasn’t flossed in years? Personality is great but I also need to be able to smile when I look at your face.
• Online dating is not ideal for everyone. I’ve shared my horror stories on the blog (read about those here) and I know I’m not built for that. Plus, using the internet to find a cute guy (preferably with a beard and tattoos) who loves the Lord, has the fruit to show it, has a good job and is emotionally healed from past trauma and mature enough to handle an adult relationship is pret-ty difficult. I know Obama’s innanet can do just about anything, but I don’t know if it’s ready for that task.
• Where do you go for a first date? Outside is closed (depending on where you live) and going into another person’s home may not be smart or safe. Plus, how will your BFF spy – ahem, observe – from a booth in the corner of the restaurant?

Ya’ll, it’s serious in these streets for the single peeps. If you are married and have not checked in on the single people in your life recently, check in and be sincere about it. Instead of asking “what’s the dating plan for 2021?” ask “how are you maintaining your joy?” or “what are you doing to make sure you smile today?”

But as we walk into the new year, I have hope. Yep. H-O-P-E. Google defines hope as the expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

I desire true companionship and sincere love. My hope is not in some guy sweeping me off my feet. My hope is not that I will live out some Hallmark Christmas movie where I am reconnected with a long-lost love while fixing the town’s Christmas parade (believe me- I’ve watched just about all of them this Christmas season). My hope is not even in finding out the reason I had to lose a new connection I treasured.

My hope is in God. Psalm 39:7 says “And now Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.” He’s the only one who can do what is seemingly impossible because nothing is impossible for Him. My circumstances may present challenges, but my belief is in the same God who has kept me alive and safe during a pandemic. The same God who blessed me with the job of my dreams during a season where people are losing jobs left and right. The same God who has kept me mentally, spiritually and emotionally secure during racial unrest, social isolation, and career stress. The same God who has captured every tear of frustration and disappointment while teaching me His purpose and plan for my life. My hope is in Him because He never ever fails me. I have to learn how to surrender my agenda and expectations and truly trust His direction for my life.

Yes, I’m tired of being single but some people are tired of unemployment; tired of waiting on that child that they desire; tired of missed opportunities; tired of being overlooked for that job promotion; tired of looking for that new house; tired of being in debt. Just plain tired.

But God. (It’s more than an old “churchy” saying.) If there is ever a time to put faith in something, now is the time and Jesus is the focus.

To my single peeps, you are not weak or less than because you desire a romantic connection. It may happen in 2021 or it may not. But please know that you are loved, you are treasured, you are needed, and you are not alone.

I know being single during a pandemic and through a quarantined holiday season may have been daunting. But I encourage you to put your hope in the One who has beautiful plans for your life.

Lord, I love you. I’m grateful for all you are and all you do. Please forgive me for grumbling and complaining. This single season sucks sometimes. But instead of trying to take matters into my own hands, I surrender my agenda and expectations to you. You know what I need and what I want. You are fair, kind and want the very best for me. You will use all my experiences for my good. Help me and others who are tired of this single life. Help us to be strong, courageous and wise while we wait. You are the source of hope and you will fill us with peace and joy because we trust you. In Jesus’ mighty name I pray, amen.