Pick Up Your Gifts

I have a love/loathe relationship with dating.

Dating is exploratory. Hopeful. Unfortunately, it’s also risky. If I could, I would put up a sign that reads, “don’t come for a boss unless you’re ready to boss up!” but I imagine that might be perceived as a bit too unapproachable . . . even for me.

I love the jolly hopefulness that accompanies the inquisitiveness of getting to know someone. You look for your similarities. There are sweet, flirtatious moments that leave you feeling desired or special. There is delightful anticipation of the next communication that leaves lingering thoughts throughout the day. You might smile when you read their texts or take extra care when getting dressed for your next date.

But I loathe the brokenness that rears its head, disrupting the ease or flow you once shared. While grateful for the true colors that surface, they can leave a dismal trail of gray and thoughts of wasted time. I also despise the lack of consistency that quickly shifts the engagement from purposeful to intolerable (cue Adele’s Woman like Me).

Meeting a new boo or learning more about someone while revealing more about yourself is not always an easy process. But last year I was given sound wisdom that has stuck with me. Therefore, I want to share it with you.

Pick up your gifts.

When you are put into a circumstance, dating or any other part of life, nothing is wasted and something can always be learned or garnered for use in another situation. There are often little drops of sunshine you can carry into a seemingly dark moment to brighten it up.  They are often disguised in trial and error or the perils of online dating.

Pick. Up. Your. Gifts.

You may be thinking, “what gifts?! That person, that conversation, that trip- you name it- was a waste of my time.”

Not necessarily.

When you met that new boo, got that new job, moved into that new house, it wasn’t immediately bad. There was something you liked about it or them that created initial attraction and satisfaction. While it may not have ended favorably, you learned something about yourself and the situation. For example, if you found yourself laughing out loud often when holding a conversation with that person. Gift: having a mate with a strong sense of humor and the ability to make you laugh is a priority for you. Or if you tried the corporate job life but got fired; Gift: you would rather be somewhere using your hands and breaking a sweat, so perhaps you should pursue a job in personal fitness, retail or construction because a traditional office is not your jam.

Too easy? Okay, let’s go deeper.

You have been dating someone for a few months and notice that while you are extremely complimentary toward them and their endeavors, you don’t receive the same support in return. You don’t necessarily need it, but the lack of effort from the other party is bothersome, concerning even. They don’t really ask you how your day has been, they cut your stories short or they constantly interrupt with a statement about their own issue. They have a lackluster relationship with their family, don’t have any close friends, and when things are not going well for you or you need someone to lean on, they’re unavailable or busy. Gift: You’re naturally a giver, but you don’t want a one-sided relationship with a taker. That person may need to heal from childhood wounds and address their narcissistic ways.

One more? Why not. Let’s get personal.

I met a gentleman that looked pretty good on paper. Great education, a decent job, considered himself a Christian and was raising a decent human being. However, his actions didn’t line up with his words and the inconsistency resulted in me feeling a lack of psychological safety. During our interactions, I found that I was apprehensive to share my faith and let my personality shine in the same boisterous manner I do with those closest to me. I didn’t feel safe opening up and sharing much about myself because his character and integrity became a bit questionable based on the decisions he was making. For a man who worked in finance, things just weren’t adding up, dividing or even multiplying. Things ended as quickly as they started. Gift: having someone of the same faith whose life demonstrates those values in a consistent manner is very important to me, so is a level of comfort and safety. If I ever feel as if I need to water down my personality, I need to exit left sooner than later.

Knowing yourself and recognizing the gifts that you glean in this life is all a part of the journey. Gifts can show up in the weirdest or oddest ways but picking them up is ultimately a perspective shift. Sometimes, your gift is deep and revelatory while at other times, it’s shallow and tailored. Either way, there is something to be learned that can help you in your next experience. What gifts will you discover next?