As the year is coming to a close and the falalalala has almost la’d itself right out the door, I’m inclined to think about my fellow single women who desire marriage.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married if it’s for the right reasons. My reasons for desiring marriage have evolved over the years. These days, I care more about companionship and reflecting God’s covenant to the world. In previous years, I cared more about what other people thought about my prolonged single status. At times, my desire to have sex without condemnation topped the list. There were even moments when I was more concerned about having enough money to afford California’s rising living cost. While shallow, these motives were real and probably resonate with some of you if you are truly honest with yourself.
I deeply empathize with my fellow single ladies who are navigating this holiday season with an unmet desire. As a 43-year-old never-married woman, I consider myself an O.G. in the singles game. With time, I have come to realize there has been a distinct purpose in my single season that God has used for His good and my benefit. I have also learned what it’s like to surrender to Him and release my expectations around what this part of my life is supposed to look like.
While my desire to have a beautiful, fruitful marriage is still alive and well, I have been graced with a foresight that will hopefully soothe some worries associated with your waiting season.
First, it’s important to acknowledge how unmet expectations around companionship and romantic love can feel unfair or harsh. Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other holiday can often magnify those feelings. Navigating singleness in a world built for coupledom can seem as if you are running in circles. No matter what you do or how you do it, it seems as if your time to fall in love is nowhere in sight. Not only are you not dating, but you also aren’t seeing anyone you find remotely attractive. The only person who consistently smiles in your direction is the mail delivery person or your Amazon driver. The one cutie you did have your eye on either disappeared off the face of the earth or was snatched up by someone else.
You may feel like you’re doing all the “right” things, yet you remain single as a pringle. But being the smart, go-getter that you are, you decide to maximize your single season. Instead of moping around and believing falling in love looks like a Hallmark Christmas movie, you decide to make the most of the life God has given you.
You realize you can do all the things your married friends complain they can no longer do such as traveling whenever you get the urge, spending your money as you see fit, or doing activities that bring you peace. (Spa Day in Maui anyone?) Or you are able to put in the extra hours at work, take the promotion, or move to a different location based on your career goals.
Next thing you know, you are thriving and enjoying life!
Then, just as you are about to pour yourself some eggnog at the family Christmas Eve party, some simple-minded person hits you with the “I know why you’re still single. You’re too independent. You act as if you don’t need a man.”
Record scratch.
I’m not sure who created the mythical narrative that because you’re single you can’t be confident, independent, and joyful but must instead be a wretched, bored soul. (The devil is a lie!) Why would independence, joy, and confidence be considered negative traits for a single woman to possess but positive, sought-after traits for a single man to have? It’s absurd.
Walking with your head held high and knowing who God has created you to be is beautiful. Doing this while also experiencing the joys of this life is even better.
I know rom-com movies and other media sources don’t always portray single women in the best light but believe it or not, it is possible to be living your best life and still desire marriage. You can be confident while waiting. You can be dependent on God while walking in faith. You can build an empire while hoping to one day build a family. You can kill your career goals and still desire to be boo’d up.
You can be both. (In my head, I said it like “boaf”.)
There is no rule stating that single women must be workaholics or eternally unhappy because they are waiting on their permanent plus one. Single women can live in the duality of thriving while still having unmet desires.
Making the most out of your alone time is healthy and purposeful. It helps you learn yourself so when your Prince Charming (or Hoodrich Hank, depending on your preferences) does come along, you are so secure and grounded in who you are that he has to up his game to even step to you.
To all my single women desiring marriage, keep living your best life. You don’t have to dim your light just because you have an unmet desire. You can still live a full, amazing life full of adventure, love, and excitement while waiting for whomever God plans to bring your way.
You can be both.
