Unholy Hunger

I’ve been slowly working through Jackie Hill Perry’s Upon Waking 90-day devotional. I don’t read it every day unless I have time to dive in, because I like to read what she has to say and then go to the Word to study the scripture or story she referenced. She’s adamant about this devotional being merely an appetizer that should drive you to the meatiness of God’s word. And her lesson on Day 40 did just that.

The lesson was grounded in Psalm 106:12-14 (NLT) which says, “Then his people believed his promises. Then they sang his praise. Yet how quickly they forgot what he had done! They wouldn’t wait for his counsel! In the wilderness their desires ran wild, testing God’s patience in that dry wasteland.” This Psalm references the children of Israel’s time in the wilderness after they left Israel. Exodus is the beginning of their journey along with all the grumbling and complaining that accompanied it.

Jackie identifies the impact of their bodies’ hunger in the wilderness and how it drove them to be irritable, forgetting all the miraculous works of God they had repeatedly witnessed since their deliverance from Egypt. It was this line that hit me right between the eyes: “If we let it [hunger] have its way, the body will provoke us into missing a place we weren’t really happy in.” She also wrote, “Their bodies and the hunger within changed the way they thought about their previous condition.”
Just pick me up off the floor now.

As a single woman desiring marriage, I can’t tell you how many times my body hungered greedily for companionship, affection, and attention. This hunger then provoked me to deceptively believe my previous relationships were better than my current state of singleness. In the absence of receiving what my body yearned for, my mind conjured up memories of sweet hand-holding, titillating conversation, and arousing kisses instead of the heated arguments, blatant betrayal, and misleading conversations that frequented the relationship.

In my desire to have someone to hold me at night in my singleness, I forgot about the sleepless nights when my tears stained the pillow with regret and stress because someone hurt me or misused my trust.
In response to my hunger, I would make the phone call, send the text, or make the visit that would send me into a tailspin of sin and shame.

Hunger can be deceptive. I never walked away from an encounter thinking, “Ah, yes, that’s exactly what I was missing. I’m glad I was able to satisfy that craving. It was exactly as I remembered.”

Nope. Instead, it was like eating a meal that was too expensive but didn’t quite hit the spot. I either walked away upset about what it cost me or hungry for more, unsatiated from the brief encounter. The conversation wasn’t as fulfilling as I once thought it was. The kisses weren’t as tender as I remembered. The laughs weren’t as frequent as I imagined.

I finally learned to let the only One who could truly satisfy my hunger shift my perspective and help me see that sleeping like a starfish in my bed full of peace and contentment was better than the stress and anxiety my exes provided. God empowered me to deny my flesh and address the spiritual quenching needed so I wouldn’t be susceptible to the fleeting desires from my past. Just as the children of Israel needed to be reminded of the Red Sea-parting moments, I had to remember how my peace, joy, and contentment were all a part of God’s miraculous work in my life. I shouldn’t be so willing to give them up all because I had a taste for something else.

My dear friend, our bodies and our feelings will lie to us. The Holy Spirit will not. Your single season is a blessing. God knows where you are and what He needs to get out of you. Don’t allow the unholy hunger to take you off the path He has designated for you. Your past is never as good as you once thought it was. Instead of romanticizing what someone did in your past, let yourself fall in love with the Savior who remains the same yesterday, today, and forever more.