Part III
Unfortunately, as the year ended, our tennis trio eventually dissolved. Rhi was getting married, so her time and attention were on her upcoming nuptials. I didn’t want to lose what Luis taught me, so I started taking adult tennis lessons through my local community recreational center. Commuting to Luis and Rhi’s side of town was harder to manage since I closed on my home and was focused on moving my parents to the Bay Area with me.
Luis and I would still converse after church here and there. On an unseasonably warm Sunday, we were catching up while walking out of church, and as we walked to my car, we waved to my girlfriend and her husband who were putting their daughter in her car seat.
On my way home, I received a text from that same girlfriend asking if anything was happening between Luis and me.
Me: Girl, naw. Why would you ask that?
Her: That’s what I told my husband. But he said Luis likes you.
Me: Why? Because he walked me to my car?
Her: Yep. He said something about how men know these things. I told him nothing is going on between the two of you and that ya’ll have just played tennis together. But he swears that man likes you.
Me: Girl, ain’t nothing going on there. Buh-lieve me! He doesn’t like me like that at all.
I didn’t have time to tell her about how Luis never hinted at having an interest in me which was refreshing. Having platonic male friends was something I never mastered in my younger years. I enjoyed hanging with a guy with whom there was no romantic interest, and I could just be myself without thinking about whether he liked me. Luis may not have talked as much with me but his presence created a safe environment where everyone felt comfortable being themselves, flaws and all.
Rhi and I also befriended another guy from church and just as with Luis, we did some outdoor activities while getting to know him. I liked getting to know other guys from church without the invisible pressure of assuming everything had to be a date or lead to marriage.
On one of our outings, Luis became the topic of our conversations and I flippantly stated how I couldn’t see myself dating someone like Luis because “I would walk all over him.”
Rhi, without missing a beat, promptly responded, “Well, that sounds like a YOU problem.”
Oof!
Her words gut-punched me harder than I expected. I don’t recall saying “ouch,” but I certainly thought it.
I didn’t know who I thought I was or why I thought so highly of myself and so lowly of Luis. I spiraled in my thoughts and “That sounds like a you problem” echoed in my mind for the rest of the evening, because she was right. Me walking all over anyone, especially a sweet guy who loves Jesus, is a me problem. What kind of godly woman does that and why would I boast in something so rude, especially if I considered him a friend?
Rhi’s comment pinpointed an insecurity I had while dating. Was my confidence and independence off-putting to men? As a woman who has been blessed with success in my professional and personal life, I knew men were often intimidated or uncomfortable approaching me. But I feared I was also giving the impression that I would emasculate a man, not purposefully, but because I was too reliant on my independence. I had no interest in shrinking myself because I knew I was dependent on Jesus. But I wondered if I came across as if I didn’t need a man. I didn’t need a man to do what society would deem as the traditional role of paying bills and being the sole provider, but that didn’t mean I didn’t need a man. There was a softer side of me, but it wasn’t always evident to those who didn’t know me.
Before the enemy’s lies took root, I was reminded of wise words from a close girlfriend. As a boss-babe herself, she assured me that the man God has for me will have eyes to love everything that makes me, me. This includes my confidence, my success, and my bold personality. He won’t be intimidated by it but will be drawn to it and interested in it.
I laid my insecurities at Jesus’ feet and prayed for God to give me the eyes to see who He has for me as He sees him. I also asked for forgiveness for my comment toward Luis.
The next time I saw our friend at church, I beelined straight to him to correct what I said about Luis. I don’t think he cared, but I felt it necessary to apologize because my comment didn’t paint Luis in a fair light. I respected him too much to give anyone a negative impression of someone I called a friend.
———-
Christmas jingled its way into the year and since we were officially moved into our new home, my parents and I hosted our first holiday dinner together. Rhianwen and her new hubby were going to join as well. Therefore, I thought it would be a great moment to extend an invitation to Luis and his boys. Get the tennis crew back together but this time, off the court.
While initially interested, Luis’ family made plans and he ended up not joining us.
Then the new year came and went. 2023 was off to an exciting start. I was adjusting to living with my parents and focused on querying literature agents with my book proposal.
With this fresh start came a revelatory conversation with someone I had a brief relationship with in early 2020. Like everything else that year, I didn’t see the breakup coming, and I grappled with how abruptly things went south. Even though the relationship unraveled during the height of COVID, I was disappointed and often questioned God about why things ended without much explanation.
Thankfully, our conversation in 2023 revealed everything I needed to know. I didn’t get any additional insight or reasoning, but the content of the conversation itself showed me exactly what I needed to see. We weren’t meant to work. That relationship wasn’t God’s best for me even if I once wanted it to be. End of story.
I mistakenly kept that door cracked open, not necessarily because of the guy, but because of the love story I had written in my head. A lost love coming to his senses, admitting his wrongful perspective then professing his undying love for me made for a good Hallmark movie, right? (I’m pretty sure this thinking fell under the “cast down imaginations” category from 2 Corinthians 10:5.) I had written my own love story instead of surrendering it to Christ.
But God opened my eyes with a healed heart and clear mind. It was time to leave the past behind me for good. So that is what I did.
I recall sharing this revelation with one of my mentors and she said, “Sounds like God is wanting you to fully shut that door to prepare you for when He opens a new one.”
There was a knowing confirmation concerning the new door. I had no idea when it would open but it felt sooner rather than later.
